The two types of wives
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I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
dutch so unserious
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’