If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
You Might Also Like
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
this FaceApp is creepy af
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.