If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
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I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
How do you like your Corgi?
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.