If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
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marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.