If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
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I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Wikigenius
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
this post was so formative to me
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*