if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
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[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Bike for sale
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
This is not me but this is me
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat