if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
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Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook