If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
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[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Ion see the issue
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead