If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
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My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
BRAKING NEWS!!
Bro what is this
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I told my vodka about you.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life