if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
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My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣