If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
You Might Also Like
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
rapatouille
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I think my mom just blocked me
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I like long walks away from everyone
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀