If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
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Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.