If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
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That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Milk Cube
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind