My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
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sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
For those that worship cheese..
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.