If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
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Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
A man of commitment.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills