If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
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The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it