I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
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Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
this is how life feels
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
That 👊
an octopus is just a wet spider
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?