I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
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*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.