If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
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In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
thanksgiving should be called feaster