Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
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You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
me irl
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
the council will decide your fate
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…