If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
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My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”