Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
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According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*