If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
You Might Also Like
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I love the honesty
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.