If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
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[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
i will not be silenced
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.