If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
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If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit