If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
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Eggs are just drums you can only play once
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.