The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
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6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty