If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
You Might Also Like
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Flowers bee like
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.