@howe007: If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
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@weinerdog4life: Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
@Jenn_H_Scott: When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that's basically what it's like having kids
@iamspacegirl: [Spelling Bee] Judge: Your word is... Grease. Me: Grease is the word? Judge: Yes. Grease is the word that you heard.
@CaucasianJames: Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast Me: eggs Doctor: Me: ok reese’s eggs