If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
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[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.