@howe007: If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
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@EndhooS: Me: [sat in car] Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier] Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
@bourgeoisalien: PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey- TURKEY: Nope. I'm ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
@myonlymizztake: Note to self: Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
@JayJazzi: A policeman came into my house and told me to put my hands up.I told him that he wasn't a DJ and we laughed and laughed and now I'm in jail.