@TheMichaelRock: If schools were really serious about fundraisers, they'd sell drugs and alcohol.
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@SteveSuckington: [2nd time at girls house] "where's your dog?" Oh he isn't mine. I was dog sitting [makes text alert sound w mouth] "Its work. I gotta go"
@shegotagronk: Every time my gf stays over we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs 99% of the bed while I'm in the floor hanging on for dear life.
@BlindChow: "I have a particular set of spills," Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt. He looks for a napkin but the last one's already been Taken.
@SteveStockmanTX: The best thing about the Earth is if you poke holes in it oil and gas come out.