If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
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Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Legend 🤣🤣
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.