Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
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[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
My dog learned how to text
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I already tried new things thanks.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu