If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
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the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!