If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
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*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?