me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
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[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.