if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
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In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*