If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
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a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.