If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
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When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
the #horror is real!
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there