If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
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How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Don’t snitch tag.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh