If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
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*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
u spoke cat all this time??????
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…