Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
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My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I hope they boil the right one.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Sticker placement is key.