If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
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Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
never deleting this app.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
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HEYYYY MACARENA