If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
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Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Meat Cute
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
#FunnyLife Insects
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶