If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
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If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
A bold strategy
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.