If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
You Might Also Like
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.