If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
You Might Also Like
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.