If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
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It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick