The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
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“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
This is painfully accurate 😅
hi why am I like this
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture