If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
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Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.