if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
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Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
ibopfufen
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
what it’s like dating me:
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen